Formula Family

It never occurred to me that breastfeeding wouldn't work out. But it didn't. We're a formula family and I accept that now, tho I still have pangs of grief about the kind of bond I imagine breastfeeding creates. And at the same time, I can't imagine breastfeeding now. The dependency and lack of body autonomy, the inequality with my partner, the complicated dance of supply/demand with each stage of weaning... I'm not sure I would choose such a sacrifice now.

For 8 weeks we tried our hardest to get breastfeeding to work. 3 lactation consultants, waking up every 3 hours around the clock to pump, painful clogged ducts every other day, a traumatic tongue and lip tie release and the subsequent "homework" of poking the wound multiple times a day for 3 weeks. The worst part was using the SNS to feed her when she wouldn't take a bottle and wasnt getting enough from breastfeeding alone. It took about 20 attempts for every successful latch. She'd swat at the tube and yank it out of place... Each feeding could take up to an hour, and we had to wake up and wake her to do this every 3 hours. It was a nightmare.

The issue wasn't clear. My supply was low (possibly due to the bad hemmorage I had during the birth), and she had/ still has some kind of mouth aversion, tho it's unclear if she was just born that way or if we caused that from the poking homework.

I'm angry with our lactation consultant. I believe we could have gotten the breastfeeding to work if we kept at it and didn't pause for 2 weeks to focus on getting her to take milk through other means. But who knows. The baby was hangry and on edge. Her nervous system / our nervous system was fried. We needed out. We needed a break. And this was after a very long and difficult labor, too. We weren't thinking clearly. We just wanted someone to tell us what to do... but that just kept leaving us disappointed. We felt alone. We felt disconnected from each other, from the baby. In the end, I had to prioritize our family's mental health and throw in the towel.

I wonder if my baby and I would be closer if we had nursed. I wonder if she would be more into physical affection from me if none of this had happened. For so much of those 8 weeks it felt like we were in a fight. Is there some underlying subconscious resentment that she'll always have towards me because of this experience? As a psychotherapist I believe in the preverbal imprints that get stored in our young psyches. I never realized how much pressure that puts on parents. But I also believe in neuroplasticity and the resilience of babies and the power of atunement and reparative experiences.

I can't help but think about my relationship with my mom and wonder what kinds of subconscious memories lurk under the surface of my psyche that shape our relationship. I can't help but feel more empathy towards her. I understand now that it is impossible to get this perfectly right. I think about the chain of mother-daughter relationships in my family and the intergenerational epigenetics of parenting style. Do I mother my baby in a similar style that my ancestors mothered? Did they share these fears and anxieties? I know my grandma never felt close to her mother and chalked it up to having had a wet nurse. I think about what must have been going on for my great grandmother. Was her supply low too? Did she also struggle with mental health around nursing? Did she fear it would impact her relationship with her daughter? Did she blame herself when they weren't close?

—Ellie L.