Goodbye Career

I didn't quit until after having my second child. I didn't even last a month after my return from maternity leave. I mustered the courage and took the plunge. I wouldn't do that shit again.

"That shit". Flashbacks of 19 hour days, typing away furiously on my computer. Feeling grateful that my career in grant writing granted me the flexibility to be a "Work From Home" mom. The best of both worlds! I told myself.

Only stopping work for nursing my baby and coffee breaks. I would nurse him and cry, compose myself as he drifted back to sleep, and get back to typing. On top of what already would have been sleepless nights, the worry about winning the highly competitive grants kept me up at night. It felt like the world was on my shoulders. It felt like I wasn't able to give my best in my career or as a mother. It felt like shit.

So when baby #2 came around, and I now had to care for an infant and 3 year old, I knew I couldn't go on like that a second time. That it would break me. I wasn't prepared for how the loss of identity as a career woman would impact my sense of self worth. My identity in general.

It's been 6 months since stopping full time work. It took at least 3 months for the guilt to mostly subside. But the capitalistic societal understanding that if you are not earning, you are worthless, that domestic work isn't "real" work, woof, that's a hard one to shake.

—Anonymous