Transitions and Night Wakings

1:51 is when G woke up last night - he cried and when I came to him he said “I’m hungry.” It was hard for him to settle his body and shift back into sleep.  When he cries out at night now, I get almost the same rush of adrenaline (or is it cortisol??) that I got when he’d wake as a newborn. Like I have to jump up and be ready as if it’s a fire alarm. 

I thought that rush would fade as I became more well-versed in motherhood, but at this moment it feels like it just worked itself seamlessly into my insomniac tendencies, keeping me up for an unfair amount of time afterwards. 

Last week was painful. We helped G ‘wean’ off his pacifier, but it felt totally traumatic. Primarily at night as he’s been struggling to fall asleep, and waking up in the middle of the night and unable to find calm. 

 I’ve been reflecting on how some of G’s transitions make me feel so proud of him, and even get to be celebrated - I remember him starting to crawl, to walk, or learning to feed himself, learning to communicate. Saying goodbye to the pacifier felt like we were tormenting him. And because we ‘have to stick to the plan’ we agreed we just had to be with him in his distress and discomfort, soothing him when his most trusted way of self-soothing was taken from him - it didn’t even matter that he ‘agreed to the plan.' Of course, he didn’t really know. 

Now that it’s been a little over a week, I have a little more perspective. He’s been speaking about it with us, processing it, celebrating it quietly with a mix of pride and sadness too. He’s asking for more affection to help soothe himself, which selfishly feels like an added benefit since he’s generally not been a ‘hugger’ or easily cuddly. 

I feel like through this past week of his painful pacifier separation, I did so much work to put my own feelings aside to be present with him in his. So I think I’m also trying to remind myself that if I’m enjoying the extra affection he’s needing now, it doesn’t mean I’m selfish. 

— Aya D.