Motherhood | An Encounter with My Shadow
I never really got angry until I had my second child. I remember reading the book Motherhood by Lisa Marchiano (very good read) while I was postpartum and wondering what my triggers would be and what healing journey I would be led on. From the moment my two daughters encountered one another, I felt both a sense of incredible love and also worry: How could I show up for both of them? Would my older daughter sneak into our room at night and hurt the baby because she felt abandoned? Was I treating both children equally? Would I end up favoring one over the other? How would I communicate with my children when they got into fights? Oh so many questions/thoughts/scenarios ran through my head.
It’s been 10 months, and I am still learning (and have realized that I always will be). My husband and I sometimes gather at night to discuss our highs and lows of the day as it relates to our children. It is unbelievable how the heart can hold both love and grief at the same time. As I get older, and especially with my journey into parenthood, I find that my ability to hold contradictory emotions has been expanded. Slowly, as the months roll on I have noticed my triggers (pulling my hair, breaking things, really loud wordless wining, making a mess in the kitchen etc.) and when I am out of my window of tolerance and why (sleep deprivation primarily). I never remembered yelling or being stern when I had one child. Who had I become? Why couldn’t I hold the same amount of loving sacred space for two souls?
Maybe it’s because I am more tired or simply energetically out numbered. Maybe it’s because now I am dealing with sibling dynamics - one thing is for sure, each time we give birth, we are born again into a new self, a new family and a new world. New things are asked of us. New lessons to learn. New challenges to overcome....
I found that when I was triggered, I both sounded and acted like my father. I couldn’t believe it. I always had this idea that I would be like my mom, but parenting has taught me just how influenced I have been by my father - both for the good and for the healing! Epigenetics, nurture, tikkunim (whatever you want to call it) is real. We continue the healing path of the ones who have come before us, and our children will continue ours. This realization has brought me closer to my father, as I feel a sense of understanding and empathy for his struggles as a parent.
And perhaps it would be enough if I just said or acted in a way that I wasn’t proud of and it would all be forgotten. But you know what? The next day, week or month later, my daughter will mimic me: my words, my tone my motions. I am a walking example for her 24/7! She will say something that I said weeks ago that I was ashamed of, and it will reopen the wound, the guilt, the sadness, and also the potential to work on and heal this part of myself….
When I feel as though I did not have a good day, I remember something that my teacher Miriam Leibowitz told me, “Nobody is perfect. This is nikuda tovah (a spark of good) parenting.” So often I get caught up in the small things that I may have said or done that wasn’t necessarily coming from the best version of myself, and I forget all of the goodness and light that I share with my children: the hugs, the showers, the tambourines, the croissants…
— Ariela Y.