Exclusively Breastfeeding

We are exclusively breastfeeding our baby. I’ve recently learned this just means only breastmilk, not only on the breast. Bottle feeding breastmilk, still counts as exclusively breastfeeding. When I say it, I mean we are only feeding our baby at my breast. So far, at least.

As the weeks go by, babe can go longer and longer intervals without returning to my body. An hour after some weeks, 2 hours after a couple months, now 3 or 4 hours, though this is unpredictable. It is a phasing trend that is in line with my tolerance for time away from them. I don’t want to be apart from them for longer than they are able to be without getting hungry and distraught. The days when they want to feed every hour, I am also feeling clingy and desperate for contact. The days when they go long long stretches, I also feel happy in the glimpses of my individual self.

Why is this so radical? Why is it such a radical act to never open the box with the pump I got for free or go down the amazon rabbit whole of trying different nipple shapes and flows? Why does it feel like I’m crazy for wanting to feed my baby every time they need to be fed?

Unfortunately, a lot of this is fear based. I fear they will reject the breast if given a bottle. It feels both irrational and incredibly possible. I’m not ready for that possibility. I would be heartbroken.

I’ve committed to being away from babe for 2 hours a couple times a week. We’ve started to just have extra milk around from the haaka earlier that day to offer them in a cup if needed while I'm gone. Even this, I feel conflicted about. I don’t want my baby to be hungry. I don’t want my partner to feel stressed when I am gone about not being able to meet our child’s most basic needs. I don’t want to prioritize my fear and selfishness over our baby’s well-being.

But is it so unreasonable to protect this connection with a fierceness I haven’t felt before about basically anything?

—Anonymous