I Did That? Disbelief And Awe At My First Home Birth

Anika Luna was born two weeks late on Valentine's Day, 2017. In reflecting on my birth story, I feel so grateful I was able to deliver her at home as I was hoping to, having remained as open as possible to the idea of any changes that might occur. My midwife team was so knowledgeable and supportive! We trusted them and the birthing process deeply, arriving with each and every question throughout my pregnancy (even the very anxious, first-time parent ones, like, "hey, is it possible the bass from the concert at the Gorge was disruptive to her gestation?" and "Ya, so I've apparently been drinking water contaminated with lead while working in the Portland school district. What are the risks?" I felt confident moving into my birthing time thanks to my increased understanding of the whole process, and positive birth stories I'd read.

It was so hard to wait those last few weeks! At 39 weeks, I got checked for the first time and learned I was already 70% effaced and over 1 centimeter dilated. Anika was also sitting super low in my pelvis and causing uncomfortable sciatica, which would strike like clockwork every evening. The pain it caused turned out to provide a good opportunity for mindfulness practice, and I worked on noticing and naming it without telling myself a big story about it (much like a contraction during labor). I was hoping she would arrive around her due date to put an end to the sciatica, but Anika had other plans! While I awaited her eagerly, my body continued to prepare for labor with Braxton-Hicks contractions, many of which were so strong that I thought early labor had begun. This was both exhilarating and discouraging but a great practice in patience. I knew she would come when she was ready. This didn't stop me from trying lots of natural induction techniques, from acupuncture to nipple stimulation.

I reached 42 weeks and had planned with my midwives to try a small dose of prostaglandin cream, a natural hormone also found in semen that can cause contractions and induce labor. Before they administered it, I went in for an ultrasound to check on Anika. She looked great, but my fluid was a bit low, reflecting a potentially weary placenta. It was time to get her moving. The first dose of cream caused contractions. They did not stick around to turn into true labor, but I did dilate to three centimeters overnight. The next morning on Valentine's Day, I had another round of cream at home and it worked: I was in active labor just two hours later, with contractions three minutes apart and lasting 45 seconds.

The contractions were sharper than I'd imagined they would be because I'd become so used to the Braxton-Hicks version, which felt like period cramps. I was still talking through contractions at 10:30AM and managed to eat a good meal (chicken with rich mole sauce. I would not recommend spicy Mexican cuisine while in labor, but at least it was delicious!). My contractions were taking an increasing amount of concentration. I called my midwife at 12:00PM and she told me to get in the bathtub to see if they would space out a little, and check back with her in two hours. I relaxed in our tub with nature sounds playing on the speakers and my oil diffuser creating a relaxing environment. However, my contractions got closer together and lasted longer. By 1:30PM, I told Ryan to call her back. Not only had my contractions not spaced out, but they were longer and much more intense. I was now vocalizing through them and really in Labor Land. My midwife asked me over the phone if I thought it was time for them to come or if they should wait a bit longer. I started to share answer when suddenly a huge surge came over me and a low moan replaced my words. I heard her say, "OK Claire, we're heading over now." That felt like I great relief.

When they arrived at 3:00 PM, I was six centimeters dilated. Ryan and the midwives worked to fill up the birth tub and get it to the right temp, a process which seemed to take forever. I labored in bed and stood up from time to time to sway my hips. My contractions were getting very strong and intense. At one point, I asked if I could get in the tub even if it was still cold, but it needed to be just right for me and baby. Waiting was so hard, but in retrospect, it felt even better once I finally got in.

I was having back labor and it would turn out that Anika was in a funny sideways position. Kate put pressure on my low back and rubbed it with oil, which felt great. Ryan put on some relaxing Indian Chanting which allowed me to zone out between contractions to the point of almost falling asleep. Ryan put a cold washcloth on my forehead and gave me his hand to squeeze–he told me later he had no idea how strong I was able to squeeze him and said he should have taken off his wedding ring!

My three hours in the tub were a blur. I remember thinking at one point, "Can I go from a natural home birth to a planned C-section with my next baby and not be judged for it, because there's no way I'm doing this again!" That's when I knew I was in the Transition Phase! Contractions were on top of each other and so intense. I tried to stay focused on the present moment and moan deeply to open up. At times, my moaning would take me away into another place, and the midwives seemed to notice the change in tone, and would compliment me with, "that's it, Claire, do more of that!" The first time I verbalized some doubt about "not being able to do it", they would respond with, "You ARE doing it, Claire! You're amazing!" This encouragement was invaluable and helped me feel powerful!

During this whole time, I kept telling myself that I might not be that far along. I remembered the anecdotes I'd heard in birth class about mamas getting disappointed when they think they're farther along than they are and realizing they have to dilate so much more when the have their cervix checked. So when the midwives told me I was nine centimeters and had only a small lip of cervix left, I was so overjoyed that I cried. I pushed in the tub for an hour but my progress felt slow to me. Pushing felt like a skill, and I wasn't sure I was being very productive with each push. At one point, the midwives motivated me by saying I could reach in and feel the baby's head just 1 knuckle-length inside me. I was so happy when I felt her head, realizing it had already cleared the cervix!

We decided I needed some gravity to help with the pushing, so I got out of the tub for the last 1.5 hours and labored in a squat in front of the couch with Ryan behind me. With each push, he would help lift me up with his arms, and I would bear down. Pushing was TOUGH! She was so low in my pelvis and the pressure was incredible. I felt like I couldn't sit down between contractions for fear of squishing her, but the midwives assured me otherwise. They coached me to hold my breath and push three or four times with each surge. At some points, all the sensations would disappear for a split second and I would get lost in the push. Anika was still in a tricky position, so Kate helped by positioning her fingers around Anika's crowning head a bit to turn her. They knew just how to keep me motivated, and the next time I voiced my fatigue, they held a mirror between my legs and had me watch Anika's head move incrementally farther out of my body during the next contraction. My water broke only about 30 minutes before she was born. I looked at the alter I had set up with special photos, birth affirmations, plants and stones to keep me grounded and give me strength.

I knew she was getting close when I felt the Ring of Fire. I yelled, "Lift me up, Ryan!" and pushed with all my strength! I wanted to meet her so badly. Then, just like that, out she came, coaxed to the floor by Kate's gentle hands! It was SUCH a relief to see her and I felt fully in shock for a few seconds. They told me to reach down and pick her up, so I brought her to my chest for our first embrace. She breathed and coughed lightly. I was so exhausted from the 3.5 hours of pushing that I had trouble naming any other feelings than sheer relief that she was healthy, and pride that I had done something as grand a bringing a baby into the world. The midwives and Ryan helped me into my bedroom to deliver the placenta in bed, while Anika found her way to my breast for her first latch. They told us to relax with our new baby while they cleaned up the house, giving us a full hour to connect with her before they weighed her. She was 7 LBS, 10 oz, 19.5 inches long which was bigger than I was expecting; I think the extra 2 weeks did her well in terms of weight gain. Anika stayed in our cozy sanctuary for two full weeks before venturing out for her first car ride on her 2 week birthday when we had an appointment with the midwives. I hope I can always remember how powerful I felt the moment she came out, and embody this strength forever.

—By Claire L.